I’m absolutely mortified.
Tomorrow is my first day as a college professor. I’ll be teaching choir & voice, a feat that I placed on my “bucket list” but had no idea that I’d place a checkmark by so early in life.
I’m not afraid of that. Piece of cake.
Over the past 2 months, some bizzaro things have occured. My grandmother told me that she hopes I don’t become one of those musicians strung out on drugs. The sad part about that is that I got excited because she equated fame with drug addiction.
Drugs = fame
I might be on drugs one day = I may be famous one day.
I know. What? But that’s how it goes in my mind.
Beyond that nugget of wisdom from my grandma, I’ve managed to accept the teaching position, plan for my demo w a reputable production co, audition [unsuccessfully] for a “reality” singing show with an endorsement, & join a locally established band. I’m finally making some baby steps career-wise after 2 years of what has seemed like a black hole. A black hole in music….and life in general, with few peeks of light. Stuff is finally popping off. So why do I feel crazy?
I don’t know how to describe how I feel. I have a very deep-set, internal thirst for music. It’s taken me YEARS, and j do mean years- my entire adult life- to accept my calling as a musician. There is nothing else in the whole universe that I cam see myself doing.
And it creeps me out.
Fear is the opposite of love, and I love the person that I’ve been called to be. However, I’m not that person yet and therein is where my conflict lies.
I’m inspired, seek to inspire, love, & am loved.
So why am I so afraid?